When you're feeling activated, this is the process to use. That said, before interacting with other party, you'll want to better understand yourself so that you're no longer activated as you move through the engagement steps below.
Mindset for the conversation with the other party: attempt to be calm, open, curious. If you’re having a hard time with this, the facilitator will work to bring both parties back to neutrality.
Communication pathway: Synchronous, over video or in person. Don't do this asynchronously, or over text, SMS, chat or Slack.
Here's an example we did in an online training.
Step 1: Share the data
Using I statements: “I heard, I saw, I read …” (not “you did” or “you said” etc)
Matter of fact / direct / straightforward
This is not a place for opinions, feelings, judgements or stories
Usually brief (not a story)
Example: “When I saw you leave the planning meeting on Tuesday before it ended …”
What not to say, “when you ran out of the meeting and neglected your responsibilities”
The facilitator will ask the other party to use active listening to repeat this back to you. The intention is for you to know that you’re being heard and for both parties to be clear on the data.
Step 2: Share the feelings
Using I statements: “I felt” (not “you made me feel”)
Using feeling words (i.e. sad, worried, angry), not accusations or judgements (i.e. betrayed, abandoned, blamed, disrespected)
You can use this list, which categorizes universal feelings, as a guide
Avoid “I felt like,” which usually points to a judgment or story
Don’t “finish” the sentence “I felt this because you XYZ” – only state the feelings, nothing else
Stick with the feelings, not the story behind the feelings
Example: “I felt concerned and confused”
What not to say: “I felt concerned and confused because you ….”
The facilitator will ask the other party to use active listening to repeat this back to you.
State the need or needs and nothing more (not “I need you to do X or Y”)
Example: “I’m wanting clarity around you leaving the meeting early. And I’m wanting partnership with you regarding our contribution to this project.”
The facilitator will ask the other party to use active listening to repeat this back to you.
Step 4: Proposing a strategy to meet the need
Sharing a simple, straightforward action to meet this need
For the example above, “I’m really needing clarity,” one strategy could be that in future, if the other party can’t stay for the whole meeting, they announce it at the start of the meeting (in fact, this could be one of the team’s shared agreements). And if they have an emergency, briefly let everyone know before leaving the meeting.
Regarding the desire for partnership, both parties need to create a win-win as to who is going to contribute, how much they’ll contribute and when – this happens in Step 5.
The facilitator will have the other party use active listening to repeat this back to you.
Step 5: Asking for agreement
Asking the other party if your strategy works for them. This could sound like: “Does that work for you?”
If so, get clear on timing (if that’s involved) and come to an agreement. Put it on your calendars to make it actionable. If not, ask for a counterproposal, “What would work for you?”
Goal: Get to something you can both agree to and write it down
I think asking permission shows a lot of respect, regardless of your work status. So this is something new, and it feels really nice, to be asked if you have time to check something out.
This workshop gave me new learnings in terms of communication and it’s also like learning a new process that I could use to resolve conflicts, in approaching people that surrounds me.
I’m used to managers being direct on asking questions about my work, or basically just checking something out. So I think asking permission shows a lot of respect, regardless of your work status.
This workshop made it clearer and more specific on how we can apply met and unmet needs in communicating with people not just in family culture, but with other people in relationships.
